You have been the toughest and most challenging month of 2014 so far. Compared to the satisfying joys of August you have really tested my patience and stability; and it hasn’t been pleasant. You thrust a detrimental operation on my right foot in amid the start of college, terminating my ability to perform the simplest of things like showering, taking a trip to the fridge (which I was obviously devastated about), sleeping and doing the one thing I love to do: shoving in my headphones and going for long blissful walks around the neighbourhood.
My purple toes peeped out like seeds desperate for sunlight as the temptation to tear away the rough bandages dramatically increased, it was impossible to allow the glowing sun to radiate its life into me, to give me the power and strength to pick myself up. I’ve waited sixteen years for this so why now and why like this? It’s overwhelming and difficult and I weep at the sheer injustice.
September, I’m so angry. The swarms of college newbies are forming into friendship groups whilst I lay in bed, tears dripping uncontrollably, thinking that should be me. I’ve not only lost my balance physically, but mentally also. The mountainous pile of work waiting at college has urged me to give up countless times but I refuse to falter.
A cold sense of jealousy washed over me as I desperately wanted to watch the transition from green to gold, to gawk in awe at the beautiful golden leaves and be able to feel the bitter wind biting my skin. The immense desire to experiment with autumnal-themed clothing; the oranges, reds and browns calling out and drawing me into their welcoming embrace.
I craved to join the badminton club that’s commencing in college, to endeavour in new activities, to meet new people. I am willing and ready to work hard, more than ever before. I can’t seem to articulate my words in coherent sentences but I want you to understand that you’ve hurt me despite the matter being so small. I’m trying to be independent yet I have to rely on others and it’s simply impossible to find any inkling of motivation after such a calamitous setback.
September you have sat everyone down on an upward rollercoaster, filled with adrenaline and thrill and joy, but left me behind as if I’m undeserving, only able to watch from below.
But if you think I’m just going to crawl back into bed and not face this hurdle then you’re wrong because I’ve been writing more than I ever have before. Allowing my thoughts to spill and come alive on paper has been so profound and inspiring. Feeling immense gratitude for my family for pushing through with me, for the simple things that I took for granted, for my blog and of course… painkillers.
The beautiful Ebony Day uploaded a video recently about her X Factor experience and a tear fled from my eye as I could completely understand. She said: “Sometimes a step back is a step in the right direction”, and she’s right. She helped me when I needed it the most and I’m so thankful.
Along with this I discovered Katie’s remarkable blog Scarphelia this month and boy am I glad that I did. I was truly mesmerized by her words, her carefully crafted posts have inspired me, even given me a burst of hopeful energy, to improve my own writing and focus on my goals; her blog has helped me tremendously and I honestly can’t thank her enough.
So I’m going to slap on some lipstick, paint my nails in wild pretty colours and sing extremely loud to Lana Del Rey because why not? Are you going to stop me September? I’m putting you well and truly behind me because I’m done with the wounds you’ve stained so undesirably. And October? I’m ready.
After countless re-reads and constant editing I have finally written my monthly letter for September that makes some sort of sense (at least it does to me…)
If you want to check out my last letter ‘Dear August’ you can find that here.
Also if you want to watch Ebony’s video then you can find that here.
And lastly here’s Katie’s wonderful blog Scarphelia.