Sunday, 25 January 2015

“Why Are You So Quiet?”

I’m an observer. I take great pleasure in watching the way people hold a conversation and the way their expressions, mannerisms and choice of words reflect who they are as an individual. I’m a keen observer to the point where speech is diminished completely and the voice inside my head takes control over my tongue.

If I were to blow the dust-covered coating away and dig out my old school reports, every single one will say: ‘Nabeela is a very quiet student…’ It’s written in black and white, there’s no in between because it’s the plain and simple truth. I am quiet. I always have been because this personality trait is innate within me and nothing will ever change that.

I’m okay with this small part of me because I know it doesn’t define me in any way. I have thoughts and opinions whirring around in my head but they never seem to escape my mouth. I think too hard about what I’m about to say that this over-analysis burns inside my head causing me to retract and not say anything at all. I can’t seem to find the words to explain this to you but it’s like the urgency to speak rises within my lungs but then deflates. But it’s not through fear of being judged so much as it is the simple fact that I like keeping things concealed. I hate the thought of me speaking too much. The secrets I keep buried within me are something I keep hidden for a reason. I feel like revealing too much of who I am would be a mistake and that if someone already knows so much about me, then there’s nothing more to tell. I am no longer a mystery that people wish to investigate and discover more about.

The analogy I have come up with is that I am an under hyped book. A popular book read by many is also discussed by many. Its plot, characters and ambiguous meanings are widely known. However an under hyped book is one that hasn’t been read by many and holds something even more dear and special, because it feels like more of a secret between you and the book, therefore having a much stronger and profound connection. People love reading hidden gems, they’ve read everything else and are always searching for something new and exciting. People want to know more about the book that no one else knows anything about. I believe that I am that under hyped book that holds a sense of fascination and mystery, I like that feeling of being unpredictable and unknown, I like making people work hard to find out who I am and what I’m really about.

Source: here

“Why are you so quiet?”

I don’t know the answer to this question. It’s just who I am. But the question that seems to spring to mind after hearing this is, why the hell does it bother you so much? Is my inability to speak affecting you that much?

I hated myself for being this way. I wanted to be able to conjure the confidence to hold a consistent conversation without the usual utterances and silence that so often occurs. But I’ve come to the realisation that I find an odd sense of clarity and solace in silence. I find a deep energy within me when the world stands still in the witching hour so late at night. It gives me time to think, to reflect, to be the true version of myself. So when this silence arises between me and another I find it relaxing, almost comforting. Why do we have to talk when so much more is being said through our silence?

So onto another niggling thought; why are you so boring? Being quiet does not work in correlation to the notion of a person being boring. Define boring? One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. It’s a matter of perception. Does this mean that I’m not worth getting to know? Does the rest of my value automatically deserve to be trampled on because of this one external trait that I have no control over? Let us not allow my quietness to be the underlying factor to your judgement, because I promise that there is more to me than just my absence of speech.

I am an observer,
I am a listener,
I am an introvert,
I am quiet,
But I am me.

My personality is like a mathematical equation. Most people will probably never peel back all of my layers and find the magical letter X. But as you progress through trial and error, through messy scribbles of mind-numbing letters and numbers, you will find more to me than just my inability to speak. And those people who have the patience to work out this equation are the people I would like to surround myself with, instead of the people who raise their eyebrows and ask with judgemental expressions, “Why are you so quiet?”

Sunday, 18 January 2015

Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award

Thank you to Peachy from The Randomness of Unicorns for nominating me in the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers award. This is the first time I’ve been nominated for an award so thank you very much. You can check out Peachy’s interesting and insightful blog here.

The rules:
Thank and link the blogger who nominated you
Include the award logo in your post
Answer the set of 10 questions that the blogger who nominated you has provided
Supply your own set of questions
Nominate 10 other bloggers
1.    What gives you the greatest satisfaction in life?
Completing a book. Having a productive day. Being on top of schoolwork. Talking to new people and instantly clicking. Knowing I will be able to have a lie-in the following day. Being assured that my family are safe and happy. Inspiring someone through my writing. Giving unexpected compliments to people I barely know.

     2.    At what point in your life, if you had made a different decision, could you have lived a different lifestyle?
In year eight. I won’t go into details but if I had done things differently my life would be better different. High school wouldn’t have been so miserable, my confidence wouldn’t have been trampled on and I would be able to be more open and trusting.

     3.    What is happiness, to you?
This is a tough question because how can you really define happiness? In a simplistic answer I guess it would be being surrounded by passionate people, writing and going for long walks whilst listening to my favourite songs of all time.

     4.    If you could pick a skill to be brilliant at, what would it be?
     I strive to perfect my writing skills every day so I would love to excel in that. Does eating without gaining an ounce of weight count as a skill…? I’m not sure, I would love to be able to draw because I’m always in complete awe and admiration at the artistic talents that people have.

     5.    Imagine you could not fail: which one of your dreams would you go about achieving?
Publishing my very own book that makes at least one individual feel something. Whether that be significance, invincibility or simply uplifting hope; it has been a dream of mine since I was just eight years old so it only seems fitting to use it as an answer for this question.

     6.    Name a book you think everyone should read in their lifetime.
My go-to answer would usually be The Great Gatsby by F.Scott Fitzgerald but I’ve accepted that it’s not for everyone so because of this I’m going to go with Chicken Soup for the Woman’s Soul which is an incredible collection of short stories about empowerment, chasing your dreams and family. It will stay with you forever.

     7.    Have you ever had a great experience that you will always remember?
Two summers ago my brother and I pulled an all-nighter and watched back to back episodes of Prison Break. It was rebellious and exciting and crazy; I’ll never forget that night.
The night before my English Language exam I stayed up to help my brother with a certain ‘crisis’ he was having. I sacrificed my GCSE exam for him but it was okay because he needed me and that’s much more important to me than any exam.
There are so many, looking back in wondrous retrospection at these riveting moments makes me realise that I actually have the most precious and remarkable life.

     8.  Your friends invite you out for the night, where do you go, what do you drink and what do you wear?
We’d probably just chill at home, perhaps watch a film or sing lots of old cheesy songs that we used to love. As for a drink we would opt for a cosy cup of tea or hot chocolate; we’re basically old grannies when it comes to these things. For my attire I like to go really comfortable so probably a pair of jeans and a jumper, or if I fancy dressing up a little then I’d wear a casual dress.

9.  Do you class yourself as a messy person or tidy person, and why?
It honestly depends. In terms of my bedroom then yes it can be copiously messy, especially my desk. And sadly I’m one to push things to the limit and only tidy when things get really out of hand. I’m laughing right now because I’m currently staring at all the piles of paperwork and empty bottles of water clogging up every corner of my room… However when it comes to school work I am scarily tidy and organised, I have separate folders with dividers and everything is put in chronological order. So I guess I’m a little bit of both.

     10.  What is your favourite variety of cake?
I couldn’t decide because there’s so much to choose from! So a few of my favourites would have to be Angel Cake, Strawberry Cheesecake and the good old traditional homemade sponge cake.

My questions:

1.      If you’ve ever been stuck in a rut for a certain period in your life, you feel suffocated whilst everyone else around you is still moving, what do you do to get yourself out?

2.      We all go through phases of different music styles. What genre of music are you into now that you never thought you’d be when you were younger?

3.      Name one thing that you love about your personality and one thing that you love about your appearance.

4.      What’s the most important and valuable lesson that you learnt in 2014?

5.      Do you believe in life after death?

6.      If you could be any age for a day, what age would you be and why?

7.      Would you break the law to save someone you love?

8.      Describe the greatest adventure of your life.

9.      Do you consider yourself the hero or the villain in your story?

10.  Would your life be better or worse if you knew the day, time, and place that you were going to die?

I nominate:
Sylwia at Silver Space
Niamh at Niamh’s Dream
Summer at Life as Summer
Laura at Laura-Louisee
Olivia at Olivia Curls
Lauren at R-AMBLER
Brittany at Living in June
Alice at Casetti

Thank you so much for reading. And a massive thank you again to Peachy for the nomination and for providing me with such fantastic and thoughtful questions.

Sunday, 11 January 2015

The Rambling Thoughts of a Confused Adolescent

‘People aren’t locked doors. You can get through to them if you want.

I believe that honesty is the key to unlock these locked doors, these barriers, these high walls that people put up in front of them. If you’re honest and open with them, they will return you the favour and be honest and open with you. And that is what I want my blog to be; a truthful representation of who I am. I want to be able to feel comfortable sharing the deep dark thoughts and emotions that I feel late at night. So I decided to bite the bullet and share the thoughts and questions that are currently churning in a section of my mind labelled: ‘NEVER REVEAL TO ANYONE’. This is probably the most real and raw post I’ll ever write and I know I’m exposing deep wounds but I feel like it needs to be said. *Takes deep breath* Here it goes.

As most of you know the last few months of 2014 were bursting with elation, contentment and bliss. It had felt like the earth’s plates were shifting, and gradually they clicked and found their rightful positions. For once it felt like the world was on my side. But on the 31st of December I felt them shift an inch into a different position and something didn’t feel quite right.

I felt infuriated with myself. Why couldn’t I maintain this good stint of perpetual happiness? Why did I have to return to that horrid and empty feeling of nothingness? Due to this transformation inside of me I shut my family out. I ignored them, I was rude, moody, stuck, lost, hopeless. Looking back I know it was so wrong but I felt like I needed to segregate myself, almost isolate myself in my room to figure things out. It was like it only needed one thread to be out of place and once that was tugged the rest of them followed like a dominoes downfall, leaving me frayed and broken, followed with my bedroom floor being littered with angry tears.

“I’m okay” I tell my family.

My heart and mind embodies millions of ideas and dreams but I just can’t seem to find the energy to charge my batteries and fulfil them. Does that make sense? Thankfully I’ve never been an extreme over thinker, I have a fixed stoicism attitude and have always managed to push any lingering thoughts to the back of my mind and sleep, but something’s changed. The tossing and turning has irritatingly increased and I’m sitting in my uncomfortable bed at 3am eating a bowl of pineapple chunks because it’s got to the point where I just feel numb.

Source: Nabsticle

Another thing has been worrying me and I know it shouldn’t because it’s so far away and insignificant in my life right now since I’m only in my first year of college. It’s this great terrifying thing called university. I’m not sure if I want to go… I do for the crazy experience, the life-changing friends I’d make, the growth that will stem inside of me and the independence. But I just feel like I am capable of doing something bigger. My writing is like my golden ticket into these bigger adventures and life is just too damn short to be trapped in an inescapable bubble of essays and revision for another three years. Call it impatience but I feel like this abrupt step up into adulthood is something I need to do. These thoughts have been sizzling inside my head for far too long and now it’s starting to burn, it’s pounding against my skull causing sickness to overthrow any rationalism.

“I’m okay” I tell my friends, smiling and laughing like nothing’s wrong.

Then this created a catalyst of dangerous thoughts about the future. Thoughts about a hopeful career, marriage, moving out. And I desperately don’t want to think about it but its edging closer and closer, it’s intimidating.

I hate this part of who I am. I’m sitting here wallowing in my room, watching episode after episode of One Tree Hill and spending hours scrolling through pointless tweets and watching YouTube videos of people achieving their dreams. I know I can do it but it just seems like I’m in a bit of a lost limbo on the outskirts of the universe and can’t seem to return to reality. In an odd way I want to go back to college because at least then I’ll be doing something, interacting with humans, having a goal for the day. It distracts me from the nagging voices inside my head.

Do you ever get that? Is there ever a certain period of time where you feel like you’re slipping and have nothing to hold onto to keep you standing? It’s like that common dream people have where they suddenly feel like they’re falling and their heart drops because the feeling is so vivid and real.

I know this is a very inarticulate post where I’m just writing the copious amount of thoughts that I’ve kept buried inside my head. Maybe it’s the pressurising stress of mock exams or simply just a blip that life’s journey occasionally brings, but thankfully writing has been my saviour, my knight in shining armour if you will, and I’m so grateful for that. I wrote this right at the beginning of the new year so things have changed since then, life’s still an unpredictable rollercoaster, but it’s better. Now that I’ve returned to college and that beautiful sunrise I see in the early hours has fled through my cracking bones and stitched the frayed seams, I have a feeling that I’ll be okay.

“Maybe not today, perhaps not even tomorrow, but I will be okay.” I tell myself.

Thank you for the constant inspiring support. I promise I’ll be much more cheerful in my next post but this is where I am in my life right now. Honesty really is the way forward so feel free to vent to me too and remember that every tear spilt is a precious moment wasted.

Sunday, 4 January 2015


“Tomorrow I will wake up early and have a productive day.”

Source: Unknown

After making this statement, I set my alarm to 8:30am and allowed James Bay’s voice to fill my ears as I drifted off to sleep. I was determined to have a valuable and enriching day that somehow moved me, it was kind of like I wanted the following day to place me on a train of insight and take me on a journey to somewhere unknown but beautiful at the same time.

So the next morning I took a glorious hot shower. I then complained and moaned at my hair for not sitting right and was tempted to cut off this one bit of my fringe that was sticking up in the most unattractive and odd angle.

If I can recall correctly I think I then turned on my computer and heard the usual hissing sound that it makes. I had a quick scroll through Twitter and took some time to read through my emails before making myself two pieces of toast and a cosy cup of tea. After an inevitable procrastination session I pulled out my revision notes and stared at them blankly in the hope that all the information I needed to know would somehow find its way into my brain. Erm yeah… that didn’t happen.

So I packed it all away and listened to an episode of the Serial podcast. It instigated furious thoughts and involved me putting an investigative hat on trying to piece the case together myself. If you haven’t started listening to this crime podcast, don’t. It will mess with your head because of all the small details and for impatient people like me who are dying to know who the murderer is, it can become infuriating.

I then read a chapter of the book I’m currently rereading, The Tulip Touch by Anne Fine, and became utterly infatuated by her carefully crafted writing. And also terrified at the concept of whether someone is truly born evil. Definitely one that will frighten you but will also stay with you for a very long time.

Next on my supposedly productive day I caught up on reading blog posts; something I always enjoy. I targeted YouTube next. I watched every single video that was sitting in my subscriptions box and my oh my did it feel good. If you know me well, you will know that I’m an obsessive organisation freak so as odd as it sounds, being caught up with little things like that makes everything so much better.

Between all of this I obviously took frequent visits to the fridge, toilet and seeing my family to reassure them that I haven’t died, but this is the general outline of my day so far. I’m now writing this at 4:25pm.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that my original idea of a productive day meant revising. But there are so many other days to revise and exams will come a go. It’s not the end of the world. I feel happy and I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t have felt like that if I was sitting in my room trying to cram information into my head. Other people may not think it was productive but I guess my mind was simply craving something more, something thoughtful. Not being productive can be both dangerous and blissful, today it was blissful.